The Tough Times

These times have been pretty tough. I'm so confused with everything. I've decided to stop running. I feel like a failure even though I went further in the program than I had ever planned on. I need to figure out what I want to do for workouts now. I really want to join a gym. Then when I get back to school, it'll be a lot easier to work out. But I need to get a job first. Maybe I can just wait until Josh(my boyfriend) gets a better job, and then ask him to pay the $19 a month for me to be in the gym. Anyway. I am having trouble deciding what I want to do for exercise. I'm thinking badminton. But I will only want to do that for so long. I just hate how I'm feeling. I haven't worked out in a whole week. It's truly surprising what no exercise for just one week does to me. My depression has come back, I'm not liking my self as much, I feel tired and lazy. I truly hate it. I'm going to get a workout in today though. I will make sure of it. I need to continue my healthy eating, and my workouts. I need to work extra hard to get rid of this weight. I am so tired of being overweight. I want so badly to weigh 150 pounds. Wish me luck.

No Giving Up

I just feel so incredibly hopeless. I am going back to my old habits. I've been having candy almost everyday. It's making me depressed. I haven't been wanting to work out or anything. Last week I ran 2 days. I don't want to be fat again. I told myself I'd never let myself go back to that. I need to stop this. I'm treating food as though it's more important than my health. I hate it. I miss being the health nut. I miss turning down all that garbage food. Now people over me food and I will just sit there and eat it. I won't care. I have to promise myself right this moment that I will take myself more seriously. I will turn down bad food again until I realize that I don't need it. I'm going to go through a little withdrawal. But I have to push myself. I need to relax on the sugar and fat. I can do this. I am strong. I know I have the willpower.

The Scale

Has now moved! Yays! It took over a freaking month. But it finally moved down another 2 pounds. Now I'm at 174. If I eat good I might be able to drop another 2 pounds sometime soon. I have my last run on my running program tonight. Although I will continue it after. So, I'm pretty excited. I'll fill you in more later.

I'm Back

Not only am I back on here, but I am back on track with my eating. I gained back my motivation after going to Indiana Beach a week ago. So, I have been eating healthy for a whole week now. I missed my healthyness. : ) So, I haven't lost any yet. I'm still at 176. But I know that I will lose some weight soon.
Anyway. Tonight is the first run of my last week on the running program. After this week, I am going to continue the running. I will just add time each week. Probably two minutes or something. I am pretty excited. I can't believe that I am already on my last week. It's amazing to me. I remember looking at the paper that said that I would have to walk for 30 seconds, then run for 18, then walk for 30 seconds, and run another 18, and I thought it would be impossible. But it's not. And I know that now. I have pushed myself hard, and I deserve this. Now one of my goals is to run a 5k probably next summer. Maybe even a half marathon next summer. By next summer I should be running for over 60 minutes at least. Wow, a whole entire hour of running. That's insane. I can't wait until I reach 30 minute of running. Well, that's all for now.

Looking For The Bright Side

But I can't seem to find it anywhere. Yes, the scale is still reading 179-180. I think I actually gained 4-5 pounds from that binge. I am so pissed with myself. I am trying to move on, but I just can't. It just isn't that easy. I just want the scale to say 175 again sometime this week. If it doesn't, then I know it's here to stay for at least another month. I hate how I lose weight now. It takes me forever. That's another reason why I am so upset. It took me a whole month to lose that 4 pounds. A whole month! A month of eating healthy and exercising, and I ruined it for food. Food is not worth it. I wish I never had to eat. Life would be so much easier. But I truly love food. Anyway, as I said before, I am looking for the bright side. I can't find it. What can come out of this? Now it's going to take even longer to reach my goal. Maybe this is a lesson. I know I won't touch any horrible food for quite a while. And if I do, it will have to fit into my calorie intake. I need to learn to respect food. I just had no control over myself last weekend. I could not stop. I told myself multiple times to stop, I seriously couldn't. ----- I did my run last night. It was week 3. It was quite nice. Not too tough, but a little tougher than normal. I am almost halfway through this now. I had to walk for 2 minutes, and run 3 minutes for a total of 30 minutes last night. So, I ran for 18 minutes. I know that I ran over a mile last night. It just wasn't in a row. My face got super red. : ) Wish me luck with the scale.

Fatty McFat Pants

Yes, that's it! I feel like a fatty mcfat pants today. I just can't get my motivation back. If I wasn't in my mother's room right now I would be balling my eyes out! I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling so fat. I am tired of working my ass off, and then binging during a whole entire weekend. I am tired of being the fattest of all my friends. I am tired of reading the scale, and realizing that it just might never read what I want it to. I am just tired of this. I ate A LOT this weekend. Seriously. It was the worst binge that I have ever had. It lasted for 3 days. 3 days!!! My god, who binges for 3 days!? Come on! I was so happy too. I was so happy that the damn scale finally was reading something decent. (175). So, why did I do it? Why? Why? Why? I really do not know. Will I ever be satisfied?! I don't think I will. I ate probably 10 cookies total in 1 day, they were each 130 calories, in one sitting on the same day, I ate a whole bag of after dinner mints, they were 60 calories per serving, but there were 13 servings. I just couldn't stop. I ate so much. I want to cry. I jumped on the scale on Friday morning, it still had read 175. That was the beginning of my binge. Then on Saturday morning, I weighed in at 180. Sunday morning, I read in at 175 again, and then after a horrible binge on Sunday, I woke up this morning to a weight of 181!!! I know some of that is water, but I know some of it is probably fat aswell. I am going to pray that I wake up tomorrow at 175 again. I will promise myself to never binge again. I can't even treat myself a little bit. Because when I do, this is what happens. I go crazy. I was slowly setting myself up for this. I was allowing myself to eat a little worse on the weekends. Not count my calories then. After a few weeks of eating what I wanted only on the weekends, I went nuts. I binged on everything in my site. I didn't even like some of the things that I ate. Like the potato chips. I didn't need those, I ate all 3 of my luna bars, I ate one of my slimfast bars, I ate both of my balance bars, and both of these other bars. I ate everything! I know I am going to have to stop allowing myself even a little bit of bad food during the weekend. For at least 1 week straight, I will have to eat super healthy. I am doing a bit better today. It's noon, and I have eaten a bowl of kashi (230), 3 servings of rice snacks (210), and a yogurt (80). I know that 3 servings is too much, but I am slowly recovering. Yes, recovering. I am tired of this fucking binge eating disorder. Why couldn't I be satisfied with 1 cookie? Will I ever be able to eat normal? Will I always suffer with food? I am trying my hardest. Anyways. Tonight I get to run. That will help me a bit. I start week 3, so I am pretty excited. Week 3 is walk 2 minutes, run 3 minutes for a total of 30 minutes. So, I will be running for 18 minutes total. I need to realize that food will always be there. I don't have to scarf it down. I need to understand this. Or I will never be 140 pounds. I still consider myself at 175 though. Even if I do gain a pound or two. I will still consider myself 175. Because I will work my ass off until I reach 175 again. Pool is going to be up and ready by this weekend. : ) So, I can now swim and run. That's a lot of calories being burned. Wish me luck everyone! I truly need it right now.

Moving Scales and Smiling Faces

Yeah, you read it, moving scales. : ) I weighed myself this morning and the scale read 175. I am so freaking happy about this. The running is finally paying off. Yays! Now guys, I am only 16 pounds away from my mini goal of weighing 159 by the time school starts. I hope I can reach it. I am going to be strict with my eating this summer, and I will be hanging out with my friends a lot. We have tons of plans for this summer. So, I will be outside walking a bunch. Then our pool is going up, and I am going to be there a lot. I love swimming! So, that'll be a good workout. Then I will still be doing my running. Plus, Josh and I are trying to talk my mom into letting us have a puppy, so I will be walking her if my mom let's us have her. I hope that reach my goal! If I lose 5 pounds during two of these months of summer, and 6 during another I will reach my goal exactly. Wish me luck as usual!

Accomplishments

I have now accomplished two of my goals. One of my goals was accomplished without me even realizing. : ) I wore a skirt without tights, and I bought high heels and actually wore them. Yay! Anyway. I think the scale is actually going to move down today. It kept reading 176, and then 179 again, so I just decided to keep the 179 until I feel the 176 is official. I hope I do lose that 3 pounds. That would put me closer to my goal of reaching 159 by August 20. I would love to reach a goal for once. It would be quite awesome. When I reach 176, I will only be 17 pounds overweight. That's pretty awesome. Especially because I started at 81 pounds overweight. I have come a long way everyone. Well, I think that's all for now. I just thought I would share these accomplishments with you all.

Long Time No Read

Yeah, so I haven't wrote on here in quite some time. I have been pretty busy lately. I started my week 2 of running. I am already in love with it. Now my new goal with running is to run for 30 minutes straight one day. Then, I'll move it gradually up to an hour. : ) I hope I can make that. I'm on running for 2 minutes straight right now, but I do that 6 times. So, I'm running for 12 minutes total. It's pretty easy. I'm going to try and run 5 days a week because I enjoy it so much. It's still hard for me to believe that I actually get out there and run. I hated running for so long. Anyway. I was kinda losing my motivation for a little while. Only for a week or less, but still. I've gained it back thank god. I wasn't doing too horrible, but my caloric intake was too high, and I was going on a sugar binge. Although my binging is never too horrible. Sunday night I bought a small bag of these new sour candies (150 calories), and I bought a thing of Mentos (140 calories). And that was a binge. So, as I said, not too bad. But still. I almost gained a pound. The scale is pushing for 180, but it's still at 179. It just doesn't want to move down. Which is probably why I quit caring. This whole month, I've only lost 1 pound. It's really stressful. I hope that the running helps me lose some weight. I would like to lose 3-4 pounds before this month is over. And I've only got 9 days. That isn't too much time. This was definitely my worst month on my healthy lifestyle. Let's just hope that June is much better. : )

Week 1, Run 1 Down Bitches

Heck yes. That's right. I did it. My first run is finished! I am so ready to get out there and do my run tomorrow and the day after. I feel so good. The running itself wasn't tough, but the whole getting out there and running in front of people was hard for me. I have a slight fear of running in front of people. I mean, I did my run at 9:15 at night, but that doesn't mean that no one is outside. There was one couple walking. I smiled at them as I past. I was afraid they would be thinking, "what's this fat chick doing running?". But then I realized that I am out there doing something good for myself, and fuck what they think. This is for me, not them. Who know's what they were thinking. Maybe they thought it was awesome. That's what I always think when I see people exercising. I actually almost started crying just making myself get out there. I was scared, but I did it anyway. Running is pretty much awesome. I've got quite a few more runs to do out there in the future, and I am so gonna be ready to do them. Oh, I had a dog try and chase me during one of my minutes of jogging. : ) lol It was quite funny. Well, I'll probably write on here again tomorrow, but I just wanted to inform you all that I accomplished this. (even though I don't even think anyone actually reads this thing) Ah well. Good night everyone.

I Start Monday

Yes, as the title says, I start Monday. Running that is. : ) I am nervous/excited. I'm ready to do this. I want to be able to call myself a runner! If I accomplish this, then I will be running multiple miles within a few months. Wish me luck on this everyone! I still don't know when I'll be running (morning or night). It just depends on how I feel. I'd prefer nights, but it's almost 9 and it's not even dark yet. It's getting there, but not dark. Anyways. I've been getting a lot of compliments lately. It's pretty nice. I really enjoy them, but who doesn't? My friend Casey has an older sister (Janet). She used to not like me, but I saw her yesterday after not seeing her in a long time, and she told me that I'm looking good. It was really nice of her. : ) Funny thing was, I was sick as hell, and was wearing a gigantic army jacket. Yay! So, people can definitely notice even when I am wearing giant clothes. Well, my pants and shirt weren't gigantic, but my jacket was. My grandma, mom, and sister have complimented me aswell. I didn't drop any weight this weekend, but the scale keeps reading lower, but not just one weight, so, I know that I'm getting ready to lose again. I notice my weight loss patternts, so that's how I know this typically. I'm hoping that the running really ups my loss, but we'll see. I still have 20 pounds to lose to reach my goal of 159 by the time my senior year starts. Let's hope I drop a few this week so that I can say that I have less to lose : ). Well, good luck everyone with whatever you are trying to accomplish!

Running On

I am thinking about trying to start runnin. Well actually, I have been thinking about starting running. I just never got serious about it. It's something that I want to accomplish. One of my goals is to run a mile non stop. There's an 8 week program type thing on calorie-count.com about learning to run. If I do decided to do it, that's what I am going to use. I know that it will feel so amazing to run. Sure, it sucks while you're doing it, but when you finish you feel so good. I have always had trouble with running. I remember having to run the mile in school, and how much I hated it. I was usually the last to finish. Typically would take me around 18 minutes. I want to become a runner. I want to be able to brag about how long I can run for. I want to accomplish something that I never thought possible. This journey isn't all about losing weight. It's also about improving who I am in every way possible. I know that running will help me with this. But I am such a big baby. I keep making excuses. Why am I terrified of something like this? Something so good for me scares me so much. This is another goal that I will accomplish! I will start Monday next week. I want to run in the dark. I'm doing this in my neighborhood. Do I do this in the morning, or do I do this at night? The mornings have less people out, but I am so tired at 6 (which is when I would start). What do you guys think is better? I will post the program below for the first week.

Running Schedule

Walk 3 minutes

Run 1

This is repeated until I reach a total of 30 minutes.

Summer Blues

I have created a goal for myself. Since starting my healthy lifestyle I have had only one other goal, but that was a while ago. I didn't reach that goal either. School is almost over. Summer is coming. I'll be a senior next year. My junior year was spent at an Alternative school, and for my senior year I plan on going back to my old school. I am extremely nervous about this. I want to look so different when I come back. I haven't seen a lot of these people in a year. I want to be at a healthy weight when I come back. My healthy weight is 159. 160 is overweight, but 159 is not. I have 103 days to accomplish this. Since I lose weight every 3 weks, then I have 5 weeks where I will drop weight. I have 20 pounds and 5 weeks if my body doesn't decided to lose weight once every 4 weeks. This means that I have to lose 4 pounds weekly. That includes this weekend. So, by Sunday I have to drop 4 pounds. I hope I can do it. That said, my workout yesterday night was jumping on the trampoline for 15 minutes and 25 minutes of leg strengthening.


Anyway. I want to talk about summer. I am so incredibly nervous for it. I know it'll give me more time to work out, bt it will also give me more time to overeat. i work better when my schedule is full. Although the pool will go up so I can have that for workouts. I typically eat more on the weekends, and summer is one long weekend. I am terrified. Plus it equals swimsuits. I hate swimsuits! I've lost 61 pounds, and my old swimsuit still feels too tight! I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

Pounds Down Since Starting Goal

0

Pounds Left

39

Days Until Goal

103

Goal Date

8/20/07

Belt Trippin'

Hehe!!! Guess what?! Yesterday when I was getting dressed, I went looking for my belt because my pants were too big, but I couldn't find it. My boyfriend's belt was on the floor so I grabbed it and put it on. It fit me! I tried that belt on a year ago, and I could barely get in on the first notch. It was so tight on that first notch that I ended up taking it off later that day because it was painful. I can easily get it on the 5th notch now! It was another non scale victory. Awesome! I can't believe it. It makes me so excited! This week has been good. I've had compliments, the belt fits, and I lose a pound. Woohoo!!!

So, yesterday's workout was a walk down to 7-11. It took about 45 minutes there and back total. I went with my boyfriend. It was nice out and we wanted to do something outside. I also did 25 minutes of strength training on my arms because it was Monday. Today's workout will either be jumping on the trampoline or jumping rope. I think I might go with jumping on the trampoline. I also have to do my strength training on my legs. That takes like 45 minutes.

I just thought that I would inform you guys of how I lose weight. When I first started I lost weight randomly. My body got into a habit of 2 pounds every week. Then it moved to random amounts of weight every other week. This would range from 1-5 pounds. Now my body typically drops weight every three weeks. This weekend is my week to lose. That's why I was so flabbergasted by the pound I dropped. I'm hoping that isn't all I drop this month. That would suck. I'll be satisfied with another 1-4 pounds. When I reach 178, my BMI will be 27.9. I won't be in the 28's anymore. I started at 37.6 and I'm currently at 28.0. Wish me luck everyone!

My Goals and Dreams

Ok, well here I am again. And as I promised in the last post, I have my little personal lists with me getting ready to be posted. I think I am going to try and post on here everyday. Probably won't on the weekends though. Since I am usually busy then. Anyway. I thought I would tell everyone how many calories I eat and all that good stuff. I typically try any where from 1200-1500. Give or take, but I try to never get below 1200. For breakfast I typically have 2 eggs and a piece of whole wheat toast. Then before I go to school at 10, I try to have a baked potato with parkay spray butter. That is a great thing to eat if you know you'll get hungry fast. It keeps me full for a few hours. Because of the fiber of course. Well, here's my lists. They're not completed yet, and I can't think of anything else to post on them but I will post them anyway.

Fitness/Weight Goals

Reach 159 (no longer overweight)

Do 10 push ups (I'm working on it)

Run a mile non-stop (This one's gonna be a toughy)

Jump rope to 1,000 (I typically jump to 800)

Things I Want To Do

Get on a rollercoaster again

Wear a skirt with no tights

Buy high heels and actually wear them

Buy a corset

Get a tattoo

Maybe buy a catsuit and look good in it (just for bedroom purposes) ; )

Ride a horse

Go canoeing

That's my list so far. I want to get on a rollercoaster again because the last time that I went on one I barely fit in the seat, and my boyfriend had to help me buckle myself in. It was really embarrasing. I don't even like rollercoasters, but just to get on one and know that I fit perfectly in it (maybe with room to spare) would be a great accomplishment. Who knows, the rush of the rollercoaster and the great fit would make it more enjoyable. I have never worn a skirt without tights. I get really nervous about my legs. I always wanted a pair of hot black pointed toe high heels, but I fear that I'll buy them and not wear them because I'm afraid to. Why? I don't know really. I guess it's just fat chick fear. I want that fear to go away. Maybe the shoes will break? or Maybe I will trip and fall? I'm stupid. I want a tattoo, but I want it to mean something. So, I've decided that when I reach 140 that I will get the phrase "remember to live" tattooed on me in French to remember my long journey. After I get that done, I will get tattooes for every important thing that happens in my life. I just want to feel confident when I get a tattoo. Or when I show it off I don't want to worry about my fat roll or whatever. I want a catsuit. I envy all the women in movies who can wear them. Josh(bf) thinks they are super hot, and so do I. I would love to be able to wear one, and not look like the michelin man stuffed into a small garbage bag. I want a corset. I've always wanted one. But I don't want to buy one (a real one) and look amazing. Like Amy Lee amazing. Corsets make everyone look good, but the fitter you are the better you look. Riding a horse is something I haven't done since I was a little kid. I am terrified that I'll hurt the horse or something. And canoeing. It's something that all of my friends want to do this summer, but I don't think I will. I don't want to sink the canoe, or for the canoe to be lower on the side that I am on. I really have a lot of stupid fears now that I am thinking about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Well, I've got to go now. I have to get ready for school. I will think of some more things that I want to talk about on here.

Number One

Well people, this is my first post on here. Hopefully there will be many more to come aswell. In this blog I will discuss my life as I am on my own little journey to becoming healthier. I have already lost 61 pounds. I started my journey on September 7, 2006. I have been eating healthier and exercising for 8 months now. My starting weight was 240 pounds, and I am 5"7'. I am currently at 179. I have never weighed in the 170's before in my life. Therefore, I'm pretty excited. My goal is to weigh 140. Anyway, I am going to post a list of some things that I want to do when I am at my goal weight, and some of my own personal little goals aswell next time that I blog on here.

I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone a few days ago, and she told me that this one guy that we both now said that he noticed that I had lost a lot of weight. It made me so happy. I didn't think that anyone noticed so it made my day. I love non scale victories. They kick so much ass. : ) Well, I think this is all that I will post for now. More to come soon though!