I have so many problems

I have noticed that I have so many food issues. Honestly, I don't even like food that much. I just eat like crazy sometimes. I do know for sure that I have an addiction to sweet tea, sugar, and fast food. I'd like to try and fix this. Not to mention that I am a smoker. I'd like to quit smoking. I'm not buying cigarettes this pay day. I'll be quitting cold turkey. To replace my smoking, I think I'll work out. I need to start getting to bed early, and wake up early. My goals for tomorrow, are to work out for at least a half hour. I'll try to push for an hour. I'm going to not drink sweet tea for a week, and after that it shouldn't be too complicated. I mean, if I cut out ciggs. then I'll have that extra money to spend on my groceries. I'm spending $80 a month on ciggs. That's such a waste. I want to wake up at around 8 or 10 tomorrow. My goal this week is to work out tomorrow, and at least 2 other days. I might just do walking for a few weeks. Maybe gradually get back up to running again. I miss the shit like mad. I've gained so much fucking weight, and I'm tired of being disgusted with my body. I'm a little over 200 pounds right now. By October, I want to be at least at 195. I could probably get to 192. My mini goal for now is to get to 189. Then back to 175, but my ultimate goal is going to be 150. I need to work out hard. To get my motivation back, I'll use Amy, and Adam. I want to be hot as hell. I've got like half a cup of sweet tea sitting next to me, and I'm about to throw it out. I'm tired of this bullshit. I want to live long, and look good. Wish me luck.

I truly don't know if I can ever do it again

I am an analyzer. I like to analyze every aspect of my life. And one of my biggest accomplishments in my life previously was the weight that I had lost. I am not happy where my body is at right now. I mean, I will actually wear tank tops, and it won't bother me, but my body is just getting too damn big. I'm noticing that my face is a lot more fuller, my clavicles don't show much, I'm getting a slight double chin now. My old pants don't really fit. I literally can not breathe in them anymore. So, I sit here and analyze this. Where did all my motivation go. I mean, come on, I have nothing left. Literally. I was so strict with myself before. I need to find a medium. What had actually motivated me previously? I think it was all the shitty comments. I want to be hot. For myself, for my man, for my family. I want him to be proud of what I have done. To be proud to show me off. I am at 200 pounds again. I told myself that I would never let myself get big again. But I guess that didn't happen. I never thought I'd see that damn number on that scale. Yet, I do, again. I want to use the motivation that I used before. Like I had said, the shitty comments. I'll remember Maria saying "girl, you're getting big", "what happened to your diet"?. Patricia's, "your legs are fat, white, and juicy". Emmanuels, "are you pregnant?". Dwayne's "what happened to the salads?". There are so many damn comments. I want to show my family that I can do it again. I can take it farther this time. In order to succeed in this. I need to start eating healthy again. This one is going to take a little bit of time. For now, I'll just train myself to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm satisfied, drink when I'm thirsty, and what not. I didn't have money for groceries this week, so I can't buy any food. Groceries are important. And I need to see them as that. They're always the first thing that I cut off my list, if I don't have enough money. On August 4th, I will make sure to make the money to put groceries, and keep groceries on my list. I need to stop going out to eat. I do it almost everyday. I almost don't remember how good I felt when I was taking the time to work out, and eat healthy. I'm feeling so tired and lazy now. I just basically work and sleep. I want to feel energized, and not so damn sluggish all the time. I almost feel like CC is holding me back quite a bit. So, now I'm just going to say fuck her, and do it on my own.