I Binged and I Hate Myself For It

Yep, you read it. After only a single day, I binged. I now officially realized that I have an eating disorder. Binge eating. I hate it. I don't want to live my entire life hating food, hating myself for eating food, binging on it, and never reaching my goal of weighing 150 pounds. I need to relax. I really tried hard this time to not overeat, but I did. I ate a bar of chocolate, a cadbury egg, 2 tacos, 2 wraps, some cake, and some laffy taffys. All of that in about a 3-5 hour period. Probably around 2000-3000 calories. I am going to make myself a promise. From now on, when I feel hungry I will drink an entire bottle of water, and wait 2o minutes to see if I actually am hungry. If I am then I can have a serving, but once I feel full, I stop eating. For now, I will just stop with 2-3 bites of food left, because my binging has caused my body to not realize when I actually am hungry. I can fight this. I know I can. It doesn't have to take over my life. I will do my 30 minutes of dancing tomorrow, and I will train my arms for 30 minutes. Yesterday, when I worked out, I ate amazingly. Also, I can only allow myself to look at the scale once a week. I have noticed that when I check the scale daily, whether the scale is right or wrong, I go nuts. I just binge like mad. I know I won't be able to deal with this stuff for much longer. I just can't take it. I want to be serious like I was before. That's all for now.

I Danced

So, I decided that since it is less than 20 degrees outside, I won't pick up running until Spring rolls around. Oh, how I love spring. Instead of the running, I danced. I downloaded some hip hop and just danced for a half hour. My legs are sore from the pop, lock, and dropping, but that's great. That is exactly what I wanted. I sweat quite a bit. It was overall, a nice and fun workout. I'll most likely end up doing it tomorrow as well. I ate really well today too. I am proud. I had 3 fruits/vegetables. I ate a little too much of my rice snacks, and had 2 luna bars, but I've got to remember that for the longest time, I was overeating sugar. So, I am going through a little withdrawal, which is why I had that box of luna bars. I only ate when I was hungry too. I feel like I'm so back on track now! It's a very exciting thing, but this will be all for now. I'll post my little goals, and rewards below. Oh yeah, I want to get either an elliptical or a stationary bike for some workouts. I will eventually get both. I just have to wait until the money rolls around. I always have things that are needed.

MY GOALS

Lose 5 pounds- get hair cut and dyed
Lose 10 pounds- undecided
Lose 15 pounds- undecided
Lose 20 pounds- lip piercing

Lose 25 pounds- undecided
Lose 30 pounds- undecided
Lose 35 pounds- undecided
Lose 40 pounds- tattoo

A Fresh Tough Start

I have not posted anything on here in forever.
Nearly a year. I have been through so much. I am no longer with Josh, thank god. My new boyfriends name is Justin. He is great. I am in my senior year. I never did reach that goal to weigh 150 pounds. Although I am still trying. I reached 45 minutes of running when I quit, and since then I have been wanting to start up again. So, I'm starting freshly all over again tomorrow. I might just run in the morning. Who knows? Most likely it will be at night. Anyway. I have gained a lot of weight since I last posted. I was at around 174 and now I'm at 189. But I will kick this lard in the ass. I have really noticed my pants getting tighter, and I'm more tired. It's just such a big difference. I hardly have the time now to workout, but I'm willing to find the time. I know I'll be running tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday. This is all for now. I will try to keep myself posted more often.

The Tough Times

These times have been pretty tough. I'm so confused with everything. I've decided to stop running. I feel like a failure even though I went further in the program than I had ever planned on. I need to figure out what I want to do for workouts now. I really want to join a gym. Then when I get back to school, it'll be a lot easier to work out. But I need to get a job first. Maybe I can just wait until Josh(my boyfriend) gets a better job, and then ask him to pay the $19 a month for me to be in the gym. Anyway. I am having trouble deciding what I want to do for exercise. I'm thinking badminton. But I will only want to do that for so long. I just hate how I'm feeling. I haven't worked out in a whole week. It's truly surprising what no exercise for just one week does to me. My depression has come back, I'm not liking my self as much, I feel tired and lazy. I truly hate it. I'm going to get a workout in today though. I will make sure of it. I need to continue my healthy eating, and my workouts. I need to work extra hard to get rid of this weight. I am so tired of being overweight. I want so badly to weigh 150 pounds. Wish me luck.

No Giving Up

I just feel so incredibly hopeless. I am going back to my old habits. I've been having candy almost everyday. It's making me depressed. I haven't been wanting to work out or anything. Last week I ran 2 days. I don't want to be fat again. I told myself I'd never let myself go back to that. I need to stop this. I'm treating food as though it's more important than my health. I hate it. I miss being the health nut. I miss turning down all that garbage food. Now people over me food and I will just sit there and eat it. I won't care. I have to promise myself right this moment that I will take myself more seriously. I will turn down bad food again until I realize that I don't need it. I'm going to go through a little withdrawal. But I have to push myself. I need to relax on the sugar and fat. I can do this. I am strong. I know I have the willpower.

The Scale

Has now moved! Yays! It took over a freaking month. But it finally moved down another 2 pounds. Now I'm at 174. If I eat good I might be able to drop another 2 pounds sometime soon. I have my last run on my running program tonight. Although I will continue it after. So, I'm pretty excited. I'll fill you in more later.

I'm Back

Not only am I back on here, but I am back on track with my eating. I gained back my motivation after going to Indiana Beach a week ago. So, I have been eating healthy for a whole week now. I missed my healthyness. : ) So, I haven't lost any yet. I'm still at 176. But I know that I will lose some weight soon.
Anyway. Tonight is the first run of my last week on the running program. After this week, I am going to continue the running. I will just add time each week. Probably two minutes or something. I am pretty excited. I can't believe that I am already on my last week. It's amazing to me. I remember looking at the paper that said that I would have to walk for 30 seconds, then run for 18, then walk for 30 seconds, and run another 18, and I thought it would be impossible. But it's not. And I know that now. I have pushed myself hard, and I deserve this. Now one of my goals is to run a 5k probably next summer. Maybe even a half marathon next summer. By next summer I should be running for over 60 minutes at least. Wow, a whole entire hour of running. That's insane. I can't wait until I reach 30 minute of running. Well, that's all for now.