I truly don't know if I can ever do it again

I am an analyzer. I like to analyze every aspect of my life. And one of my biggest accomplishments in my life previously was the weight that I had lost. I am not happy where my body is at right now. I mean, I will actually wear tank tops, and it won't bother me, but my body is just getting too damn big. I'm noticing that my face is a lot more fuller, my clavicles don't show much, I'm getting a slight double chin now. My old pants don't really fit. I literally can not breathe in them anymore. So, I sit here and analyze this. Where did all my motivation go. I mean, come on, I have nothing left. Literally. I was so strict with myself before. I need to find a medium. What had actually motivated me previously? I think it was all the shitty comments. I want to be hot. For myself, for my man, for my family. I want him to be proud of what I have done. To be proud to show me off. I am at 200 pounds again. I told myself that I would never let myself get big again. But I guess that didn't happen. I never thought I'd see that damn number on that scale. Yet, I do, again. I want to use the motivation that I used before. Like I had said, the shitty comments. I'll remember Maria saying "girl, you're getting big", "what happened to your diet"?. Patricia's, "your legs are fat, white, and juicy". Emmanuels, "are you pregnant?". Dwayne's "what happened to the salads?". There are so many damn comments. I want to show my family that I can do it again. I can take it farther this time. In order to succeed in this. I need to start eating healthy again. This one is going to take a little bit of time. For now, I'll just train myself to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm satisfied, drink when I'm thirsty, and what not. I didn't have money for groceries this week, so I can't buy any food. Groceries are important. And I need to see them as that. They're always the first thing that I cut off my list, if I don't have enough money. On August 4th, I will make sure to make the money to put groceries, and keep groceries on my list. I need to stop going out to eat. I do it almost everyday. I almost don't remember how good I felt when I was taking the time to work out, and eat healthy. I'm feeling so tired and lazy now. I just basically work and sleep. I want to feel energized, and not so damn sluggish all the time. I almost feel like CC is holding me back quite a bit. So, now I'm just going to say fuck her, and do it on my own.