The Tough Times

These times have been pretty tough. I'm so confused with everything. I've decided to stop running. I feel like a failure even though I went further in the program than I had ever planned on. I need to figure out what I want to do for workouts now. I really want to join a gym. Then when I get back to school, it'll be a lot easier to work out. But I need to get a job first. Maybe I can just wait until Josh(my boyfriend) gets a better job, and then ask him to pay the $19 a month for me to be in the gym. Anyway. I am having trouble deciding what I want to do for exercise. I'm thinking badminton. But I will only want to do that for so long. I just hate how I'm feeling. I haven't worked out in a whole week. It's truly surprising what no exercise for just one week does to me. My depression has come back, I'm not liking my self as much, I feel tired and lazy. I truly hate it. I'm going to get a workout in today though. I will make sure of it. I need to continue my healthy eating, and my workouts. I need to work extra hard to get rid of this weight. I am so tired of being overweight. I want so badly to weigh 150 pounds. Wish me luck.

No Giving Up

I just feel so incredibly hopeless. I am going back to my old habits. I've been having candy almost everyday. It's making me depressed. I haven't been wanting to work out or anything. Last week I ran 2 days. I don't want to be fat again. I told myself I'd never let myself go back to that. I need to stop this. I'm treating food as though it's more important than my health. I hate it. I miss being the health nut. I miss turning down all that garbage food. Now people over me food and I will just sit there and eat it. I won't care. I have to promise myself right this moment that I will take myself more seriously. I will turn down bad food again until I realize that I don't need it. I'm going to go through a little withdrawal. But I have to push myself. I need to relax on the sugar and fat. I can do this. I am strong. I know I have the willpower.

The Scale

Has now moved! Yays! It took over a freaking month. But it finally moved down another 2 pounds. Now I'm at 174. If I eat good I might be able to drop another 2 pounds sometime soon. I have my last run on my running program tonight. Although I will continue it after. So, I'm pretty excited. I'll fill you in more later.

I'm Back

Not only am I back on here, but I am back on track with my eating. I gained back my motivation after going to Indiana Beach a week ago. So, I have been eating healthy for a whole week now. I missed my healthyness. : ) So, I haven't lost any yet. I'm still at 176. But I know that I will lose some weight soon.
Anyway. Tonight is the first run of my last week on the running program. After this week, I am going to continue the running. I will just add time each week. Probably two minutes or something. I am pretty excited. I can't believe that I am already on my last week. It's amazing to me. I remember looking at the paper that said that I would have to walk for 30 seconds, then run for 18, then walk for 30 seconds, and run another 18, and I thought it would be impossible. But it's not. And I know that now. I have pushed myself hard, and I deserve this. Now one of my goals is to run a 5k probably next summer. Maybe even a half marathon next summer. By next summer I should be running for over 60 minutes at least. Wow, a whole entire hour of running. That's insane. I can't wait until I reach 30 minute of running. Well, that's all for now.

Looking For The Bright Side

But I can't seem to find it anywhere. Yes, the scale is still reading 179-180. I think I actually gained 4-5 pounds from that binge. I am so pissed with myself. I am trying to move on, but I just can't. It just isn't that easy. I just want the scale to say 175 again sometime this week. If it doesn't, then I know it's here to stay for at least another month. I hate how I lose weight now. It takes me forever. That's another reason why I am so upset. It took me a whole month to lose that 4 pounds. A whole month! A month of eating healthy and exercising, and I ruined it for food. Food is not worth it. I wish I never had to eat. Life would be so much easier. But I truly love food. Anyway, as I said before, I am looking for the bright side. I can't find it. What can come out of this? Now it's going to take even longer to reach my goal. Maybe this is a lesson. I know I won't touch any horrible food for quite a while. And if I do, it will have to fit into my calorie intake. I need to learn to respect food. I just had no control over myself last weekend. I could not stop. I told myself multiple times to stop, I seriously couldn't. ----- I did my run last night. It was week 3. It was quite nice. Not too tough, but a little tougher than normal. I am almost halfway through this now. I had to walk for 2 minutes, and run 3 minutes for a total of 30 minutes last night. So, I ran for 18 minutes. I know that I ran over a mile last night. It just wasn't in a row. My face got super red. : ) Wish me luck with the scale.

Fatty McFat Pants

Yes, that's it! I feel like a fatty mcfat pants today. I just can't get my motivation back. If I wasn't in my mother's room right now I would be balling my eyes out! I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling so fat. I am tired of working my ass off, and then binging during a whole entire weekend. I am tired of being the fattest of all my friends. I am tired of reading the scale, and realizing that it just might never read what I want it to. I am just tired of this. I ate A LOT this weekend. Seriously. It was the worst binge that I have ever had. It lasted for 3 days. 3 days!!! My god, who binges for 3 days!? Come on! I was so happy too. I was so happy that the damn scale finally was reading something decent. (175). So, why did I do it? Why? Why? Why? I really do not know. Will I ever be satisfied?! I don't think I will. I ate probably 10 cookies total in 1 day, they were each 130 calories, in one sitting on the same day, I ate a whole bag of after dinner mints, they were 60 calories per serving, but there were 13 servings. I just couldn't stop. I ate so much. I want to cry. I jumped on the scale on Friday morning, it still had read 175. That was the beginning of my binge. Then on Saturday morning, I weighed in at 180. Sunday morning, I read in at 175 again, and then after a horrible binge on Sunday, I woke up this morning to a weight of 181!!! I know some of that is water, but I know some of it is probably fat aswell. I am going to pray that I wake up tomorrow at 175 again. I will promise myself to never binge again. I can't even treat myself a little bit. Because when I do, this is what happens. I go crazy. I was slowly setting myself up for this. I was allowing myself to eat a little worse on the weekends. Not count my calories then. After a few weeks of eating what I wanted only on the weekends, I went nuts. I binged on everything in my site. I didn't even like some of the things that I ate. Like the potato chips. I didn't need those, I ate all 3 of my luna bars, I ate one of my slimfast bars, I ate both of my balance bars, and both of these other bars. I ate everything! I know I am going to have to stop allowing myself even a little bit of bad food during the weekend. For at least 1 week straight, I will have to eat super healthy. I am doing a bit better today. It's noon, and I have eaten a bowl of kashi (230), 3 servings of rice snacks (210), and a yogurt (80). I know that 3 servings is too much, but I am slowly recovering. Yes, recovering. I am tired of this fucking binge eating disorder. Why couldn't I be satisfied with 1 cookie? Will I ever be able to eat normal? Will I always suffer with food? I am trying my hardest. Anyways. Tonight I get to run. That will help me a bit. I start week 3, so I am pretty excited. Week 3 is walk 2 minutes, run 3 minutes for a total of 30 minutes. So, I will be running for 18 minutes total. I need to realize that food will always be there. I don't have to scarf it down. I need to understand this. Or I will never be 140 pounds. I still consider myself at 175 though. Even if I do gain a pound or two. I will still consider myself 175. Because I will work my ass off until I reach 175 again. Pool is going to be up and ready by this weekend. : ) So, I can now swim and run. That's a lot of calories being burned. Wish me luck everyone! I truly need it right now.

Moving Scales and Smiling Faces

Yeah, you read it, moving scales. : ) I weighed myself this morning and the scale read 175. I am so freaking happy about this. The running is finally paying off. Yays! Now guys, I am only 16 pounds away from my mini goal of weighing 159 by the time school starts. I hope I can reach it. I am going to be strict with my eating this summer, and I will be hanging out with my friends a lot. We have tons of plans for this summer. So, I will be outside walking a bunch. Then our pool is going up, and I am going to be there a lot. I love swimming! So, that'll be a good workout. Then I will still be doing my running. Plus, Josh and I are trying to talk my mom into letting us have a puppy, so I will be walking her if my mom let's us have her. I hope that reach my goal! If I lose 5 pounds during two of these months of summer, and 6 during another I will reach my goal exactly. Wish me luck as usual!