Fatty McFat Pants

Yes, that's it! I feel like a fatty mcfat pants today. I just can't get my motivation back. If I wasn't in my mother's room right now I would be balling my eyes out! I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling so fat. I am tired of working my ass off, and then binging during a whole entire weekend. I am tired of being the fattest of all my friends. I am tired of reading the scale, and realizing that it just might never read what I want it to. I am just tired of this. I ate A LOT this weekend. Seriously. It was the worst binge that I have ever had. It lasted for 3 days. 3 days!!! My god, who binges for 3 days!? Come on! I was so happy too. I was so happy that the damn scale finally was reading something decent. (175). So, why did I do it? Why? Why? Why? I really do not know. Will I ever be satisfied?! I don't think I will. I ate probably 10 cookies total in 1 day, they were each 130 calories, in one sitting on the same day, I ate a whole bag of after dinner mints, they were 60 calories per serving, but there were 13 servings. I just couldn't stop. I ate so much. I want to cry. I jumped on the scale on Friday morning, it still had read 175. That was the beginning of my binge. Then on Saturday morning, I weighed in at 180. Sunday morning, I read in at 175 again, and then after a horrible binge on Sunday, I woke up this morning to a weight of 181!!! I know some of that is water, but I know some of it is probably fat aswell. I am going to pray that I wake up tomorrow at 175 again. I will promise myself to never binge again. I can't even treat myself a little bit. Because when I do, this is what happens. I go crazy. I was slowly setting myself up for this. I was allowing myself to eat a little worse on the weekends. Not count my calories then. After a few weeks of eating what I wanted only on the weekends, I went nuts. I binged on everything in my site. I didn't even like some of the things that I ate. Like the potato chips. I didn't need those, I ate all 3 of my luna bars, I ate one of my slimfast bars, I ate both of my balance bars, and both of these other bars. I ate everything! I know I am going to have to stop allowing myself even a little bit of bad food during the weekend. For at least 1 week straight, I will have to eat super healthy. I am doing a bit better today. It's noon, and I have eaten a bowl of kashi (230), 3 servings of rice snacks (210), and a yogurt (80). I know that 3 servings is too much, but I am slowly recovering. Yes, recovering. I am tired of this fucking binge eating disorder. Why couldn't I be satisfied with 1 cookie? Will I ever be able to eat normal? Will I always suffer with food? I am trying my hardest. Anyways. Tonight I get to run. That will help me a bit. I start week 3, so I am pretty excited. Week 3 is walk 2 minutes, run 3 minutes for a total of 30 minutes. So, I will be running for 18 minutes total. I need to realize that food will always be there. I don't have to scarf it down. I need to understand this. Or I will never be 140 pounds. I still consider myself at 175 though. Even if I do gain a pound or two. I will still consider myself 175. Because I will work my ass off until I reach 175 again. Pool is going to be up and ready by this weekend. : ) So, I can now swim and run. That's a lot of calories being burned. Wish me luck everyone! I truly need it right now.