Looking For The Bright Side

But I can't seem to find it anywhere. Yes, the scale is still reading 179-180. I think I actually gained 4-5 pounds from that binge. I am so pissed with myself. I am trying to move on, but I just can't. It just isn't that easy. I just want the scale to say 175 again sometime this week. If it doesn't, then I know it's here to stay for at least another month. I hate how I lose weight now. It takes me forever. That's another reason why I am so upset. It took me a whole month to lose that 4 pounds. A whole month! A month of eating healthy and exercising, and I ruined it for food. Food is not worth it. I wish I never had to eat. Life would be so much easier. But I truly love food. Anyway, as I said before, I am looking for the bright side. I can't find it. What can come out of this? Now it's going to take even longer to reach my goal. Maybe this is a lesson. I know I won't touch any horrible food for quite a while. And if I do, it will have to fit into my calorie intake. I need to learn to respect food. I just had no control over myself last weekend. I could not stop. I told myself multiple times to stop, I seriously couldn't. ----- I did my run last night. It was week 3. It was quite nice. Not too tough, but a little tougher than normal. I am almost halfway through this now. I had to walk for 2 minutes, and run 3 minutes for a total of 30 minutes last night. So, I ran for 18 minutes. I know that I ran over a mile last night. It just wasn't in a row. My face got super red. : ) Wish me luck with the scale.

Fatty McFat Pants

Yes, that's it! I feel like a fatty mcfat pants today. I just can't get my motivation back. If I wasn't in my mother's room right now I would be balling my eyes out! I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling so fat. I am tired of working my ass off, and then binging during a whole entire weekend. I am tired of being the fattest of all my friends. I am tired of reading the scale, and realizing that it just might never read what I want it to. I am just tired of this. I ate A LOT this weekend. Seriously. It was the worst binge that I have ever had. It lasted for 3 days. 3 days!!! My god, who binges for 3 days!? Come on! I was so happy too. I was so happy that the damn scale finally was reading something decent. (175). So, why did I do it? Why? Why? Why? I really do not know. Will I ever be satisfied?! I don't think I will. I ate probably 10 cookies total in 1 day, they were each 130 calories, in one sitting on the same day, I ate a whole bag of after dinner mints, they were 60 calories per serving, but there were 13 servings. I just couldn't stop. I ate so much. I want to cry. I jumped on the scale on Friday morning, it still had read 175. That was the beginning of my binge. Then on Saturday morning, I weighed in at 180. Sunday morning, I read in at 175 again, and then after a horrible binge on Sunday, I woke up this morning to a weight of 181!!! I know some of that is water, but I know some of it is probably fat aswell. I am going to pray that I wake up tomorrow at 175 again. I will promise myself to never binge again. I can't even treat myself a little bit. Because when I do, this is what happens. I go crazy. I was slowly setting myself up for this. I was allowing myself to eat a little worse on the weekends. Not count my calories then. After a few weeks of eating what I wanted only on the weekends, I went nuts. I binged on everything in my site. I didn't even like some of the things that I ate. Like the potato chips. I didn't need those, I ate all 3 of my luna bars, I ate one of my slimfast bars, I ate both of my balance bars, and both of these other bars. I ate everything! I know I am going to have to stop allowing myself even a little bit of bad food during the weekend. For at least 1 week straight, I will have to eat super healthy. I am doing a bit better today. It's noon, and I have eaten a bowl of kashi (230), 3 servings of rice snacks (210), and a yogurt (80). I know that 3 servings is too much, but I am slowly recovering. Yes, recovering. I am tired of this fucking binge eating disorder. Why couldn't I be satisfied with 1 cookie? Will I ever be able to eat normal? Will I always suffer with food? I am trying my hardest. Anyways. Tonight I get to run. That will help me a bit. I start week 3, so I am pretty excited. Week 3 is walk 2 minutes, run 3 minutes for a total of 30 minutes. So, I will be running for 18 minutes total. I need to realize that food will always be there. I don't have to scarf it down. I need to understand this. Or I will never be 140 pounds. I still consider myself at 175 though. Even if I do gain a pound or two. I will still consider myself 175. Because I will work my ass off until I reach 175 again. Pool is going to be up and ready by this weekend. : ) So, I can now swim and run. That's a lot of calories being burned. Wish me luck everyone! I truly need it right now.

Moving Scales and Smiling Faces

Yeah, you read it, moving scales. : ) I weighed myself this morning and the scale read 175. I am so freaking happy about this. The running is finally paying off. Yays! Now guys, I am only 16 pounds away from my mini goal of weighing 159 by the time school starts. I hope I can reach it. I am going to be strict with my eating this summer, and I will be hanging out with my friends a lot. We have tons of plans for this summer. So, I will be outside walking a bunch. Then our pool is going up, and I am going to be there a lot. I love swimming! So, that'll be a good workout. Then I will still be doing my running. Plus, Josh and I are trying to talk my mom into letting us have a puppy, so I will be walking her if my mom let's us have her. I hope that reach my goal! If I lose 5 pounds during two of these months of summer, and 6 during another I will reach my goal exactly. Wish me luck as usual!

Accomplishments

I have now accomplished two of my goals. One of my goals was accomplished without me even realizing. : ) I wore a skirt without tights, and I bought high heels and actually wore them. Yay! Anyway. I think the scale is actually going to move down today. It kept reading 176, and then 179 again, so I just decided to keep the 179 until I feel the 176 is official. I hope I do lose that 3 pounds. That would put me closer to my goal of reaching 159 by August 20. I would love to reach a goal for once. It would be quite awesome. When I reach 176, I will only be 17 pounds overweight. That's pretty awesome. Especially because I started at 81 pounds overweight. I have come a long way everyone. Well, I think that's all for now. I just thought I would share these accomplishments with you all.

Long Time No Read

Yeah, so I haven't wrote on here in quite some time. I have been pretty busy lately. I started my week 2 of running. I am already in love with it. Now my new goal with running is to run for 30 minutes straight one day. Then, I'll move it gradually up to an hour. : ) I hope I can make that. I'm on running for 2 minutes straight right now, but I do that 6 times. So, I'm running for 12 minutes total. It's pretty easy. I'm going to try and run 5 days a week because I enjoy it so much. It's still hard for me to believe that I actually get out there and run. I hated running for so long. Anyway. I was kinda losing my motivation for a little while. Only for a week or less, but still. I've gained it back thank god. I wasn't doing too horrible, but my caloric intake was too high, and I was going on a sugar binge. Although my binging is never too horrible. Sunday night I bought a small bag of these new sour candies (150 calories), and I bought a thing of Mentos (140 calories). And that was a binge. So, as I said, not too bad. But still. I almost gained a pound. The scale is pushing for 180, but it's still at 179. It just doesn't want to move down. Which is probably why I quit caring. This whole month, I've only lost 1 pound. It's really stressful. I hope that the running helps me lose some weight. I would like to lose 3-4 pounds before this month is over. And I've only got 9 days. That isn't too much time. This was definitely my worst month on my healthy lifestyle. Let's just hope that June is much better. : )

Week 1, Run 1 Down Bitches

Heck yes. That's right. I did it. My first run is finished! I am so ready to get out there and do my run tomorrow and the day after. I feel so good. The running itself wasn't tough, but the whole getting out there and running in front of people was hard for me. I have a slight fear of running in front of people. I mean, I did my run at 9:15 at night, but that doesn't mean that no one is outside. There was one couple walking. I smiled at them as I past. I was afraid they would be thinking, "what's this fat chick doing running?". But then I realized that I am out there doing something good for myself, and fuck what they think. This is for me, not them. Who know's what they were thinking. Maybe they thought it was awesome. That's what I always think when I see people exercising. I actually almost started crying just making myself get out there. I was scared, but I did it anyway. Running is pretty much awesome. I've got quite a few more runs to do out there in the future, and I am so gonna be ready to do them. Oh, I had a dog try and chase me during one of my minutes of jogging. : ) lol It was quite funny. Well, I'll probably write on here again tomorrow, but I just wanted to inform you all that I accomplished this. (even though I don't even think anyone actually reads this thing) Ah well. Good night everyone.

I Start Monday

Yes, as the title says, I start Monday. Running that is. : ) I am nervous/excited. I'm ready to do this. I want to be able to call myself a runner! If I accomplish this, then I will be running multiple miles within a few months. Wish me luck on this everyone! I still don't know when I'll be running (morning or night). It just depends on how I feel. I'd prefer nights, but it's almost 9 and it's not even dark yet. It's getting there, but not dark. Anyways. I've been getting a lot of compliments lately. It's pretty nice. I really enjoy them, but who doesn't? My friend Casey has an older sister (Janet). She used to not like me, but I saw her yesterday after not seeing her in a long time, and she told me that I'm looking good. It was really nice of her. : ) Funny thing was, I was sick as hell, and was wearing a gigantic army jacket. Yay! So, people can definitely notice even when I am wearing giant clothes. Well, my pants and shirt weren't gigantic, but my jacket was. My grandma, mom, and sister have complimented me aswell. I didn't drop any weight this weekend, but the scale keeps reading lower, but not just one weight, so, I know that I'm getting ready to lose again. I notice my weight loss patternts, so that's how I know this typically. I'm hoping that the running really ups my loss, but we'll see. I still have 20 pounds to lose to reach my goal of 159 by the time my senior year starts. Let's hope I drop a few this week so that I can say that I have less to lose : ). Well, good luck everyone with whatever you are trying to accomplish!