I'm Neglecting Myself

Straight up. There's nothing more to it, I've been neglecting myself for months, maybe even a year or more. I can do this. I know I can. I need to take care of myself for myself. I'm turning into my mother. I'm bitter, depressed, and I hurt. My body aches. I sleep all day. I don't even take care of my appearance. I don't shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, cut my nails, or even do my hair. I just feel too tired to do any of this. I'm setting my alarm clock for 11, and I'm waking up. I'll exercise for a half hour. I want to feel good about who I am. I'm gonna leave it at this so I can write up a grocery list.

Breakdown

It's 3:30 in the morning and I have to be up in 3 hours. I can't sleep. My mind is just racing. Maybe it's the time of the month or maybe it's just a bad night. I can't explain what I have done to myself. I feel like everything around me is just completely falling apart. Like this is the worst time to try and do anything with life. Yes, there are some good things, but the bad just keep on building. I don't feel in control anymore. My weight has skyrocketed up to over 227 pounds. I'm nearly back where I started in the first place. I'm becoming a manager at work, which is good, but it's so much extra work. Adam and I are trying to move out, but there's so much to save and with the economy in the shitter he can't find any work. So, it's all on me, and I can't keep doing it anymore. My ex best friend did nothing and has everything handed to her on a silver platter. She's so happy and wealthy and I'm struggling and nothing is going any where. I've become seriously depressed, and sleep all day. I realize that if I exercised and ate healthy my problems would be much easier to handle but I can't get myself to do it. I have a month before I know I'll be back at my start weight. My weight is starting to control my life again. I can't take it anymore. I'm embarrassed to see my distant family because I've gained so much weight. My new clothes don't even fit anymore. I've been gaining nearly 5 pounds a week. My body hurts. My mind isn't with me. It's in a dark cold corner. I can't keep doing this to myself. I have to become strong. God please help me through this. I'm begging someone something to help. Give me the motivation to keep pushing along. Give me the strength to wake up and better myself.

To Be Strong I Need A Plan
I need to start counting my cals again.
Start slow with working out.
Quit eating so much McDonalds.
Try to put more money aside.
Try and get Adam a job at McDonalds.
Pick a good motivation kick and stick with it.

Forget the one week thing

So, I decided to just say fuck it, and do it the way that I know will work for me. As of right now I've only lost 1.2 pounds, so I don't get my treat, which is my red earrings. But, I mean, at least I'm losing something. Slow and steady wins the race I guess. I do hope to drop my 2 pounds here soon though. My little goal is to get out of the 200's. I want to get below 205. Right now I'm at 206.4. By October 17th, I wanted to be down 18 pounds. Then I'd be at 189.6. Which is below 190. Good. : ) I did start running. I'm on my 2nd week. It was pretty hard. I did quit smoking as well. I don't drink sweet tea. On my days off of running, I tend to overeat. I need to fix that. That's probably what stopped my weight loss this week. I ate a little bit of candy. Let's try not overeating. Eat what I want, just not too much of it. Eat a serving size of candy. Well, that's all for now. I've got to get ready for work.

I need peace of mind

I'm basically going insane over here. I'm tired of reading all these blogs about myself trying to get on track. Fuck it all in the ass. I've gone two days without smoking now, and I'm doing pretty good with that. I'm still dealing with sugar issues. That'll straighten itself out. I hopefully will start running for real on Sunday. I'm going to ask my fiancee to help me out. I'm going to try this little thing out, and see if it helps me out.
MY REASON
To be healthy. To look good. To succeed. To feel amazing.
MY GOAL FOR WEEK 1 (starting Sunday 8/10/08)
Run for 30 minutes 5x. Don't eat sweets. (includes sweet tea, candy, etc.) but I can have lemonade, and what not.

I need to relearn portion sizes, and not expect to lose 2 pounds every week.
After I get paid again, I'll be buying fruits and vegetables. I should be getting my 5 a day.

The 4th is Rolling Around

No, not the 4th of July, but the 4th of August. This is pay day. I have a feeling that this is going to be for real. I'm already getting serious. I'm so excited about spending this extra money on groceries. I've basically cut out smoking. It has been making me sick. I should be starting running again on Sunday. I'm not sure if I'm doing mornings or nights, but I'm doing it. I'm ready to jump on that treadmill. I miss running so much. I miss how thin I was, I miss how toned I was, and I miss how in shape I was. I can't wait until Sunday. I'm ready for this!

I have so many problems

I have noticed that I have so many food issues. Honestly, I don't even like food that much. I just eat like crazy sometimes. I do know for sure that I have an addiction to sweet tea, sugar, and fast food. I'd like to try and fix this. Not to mention that I am a smoker. I'd like to quit smoking. I'm not buying cigarettes this pay day. I'll be quitting cold turkey. To replace my smoking, I think I'll work out. I need to start getting to bed early, and wake up early. My goals for tomorrow, are to work out for at least a half hour. I'll try to push for an hour. I'm going to not drink sweet tea for a week, and after that it shouldn't be too complicated. I mean, if I cut out ciggs. then I'll have that extra money to spend on my groceries. I'm spending $80 a month on ciggs. That's such a waste. I want to wake up at around 8 or 10 tomorrow. My goal this week is to work out tomorrow, and at least 2 other days. I might just do walking for a few weeks. Maybe gradually get back up to running again. I miss the shit like mad. I've gained so much fucking weight, and I'm tired of being disgusted with my body. I'm a little over 200 pounds right now. By October, I want to be at least at 195. I could probably get to 192. My mini goal for now is to get to 189. Then back to 175, but my ultimate goal is going to be 150. I need to work out hard. To get my motivation back, I'll use Amy, and Adam. I want to be hot as hell. I've got like half a cup of sweet tea sitting next to me, and I'm about to throw it out. I'm tired of this bullshit. I want to live long, and look good. Wish me luck.

I truly don't know if I can ever do it again

I am an analyzer. I like to analyze every aspect of my life. And one of my biggest accomplishments in my life previously was the weight that I had lost. I am not happy where my body is at right now. I mean, I will actually wear tank tops, and it won't bother me, but my body is just getting too damn big. I'm noticing that my face is a lot more fuller, my clavicles don't show much, I'm getting a slight double chin now. My old pants don't really fit. I literally can not breathe in them anymore. So, I sit here and analyze this. Where did all my motivation go. I mean, come on, I have nothing left. Literally. I was so strict with myself before. I need to find a medium. What had actually motivated me previously? I think it was all the shitty comments. I want to be hot. For myself, for my man, for my family. I want him to be proud of what I have done. To be proud to show me off. I am at 200 pounds again. I told myself that I would never let myself get big again. But I guess that didn't happen. I never thought I'd see that damn number on that scale. Yet, I do, again. I want to use the motivation that I used before. Like I had said, the shitty comments. I'll remember Maria saying "girl, you're getting big", "what happened to your diet"?. Patricia's, "your legs are fat, white, and juicy". Emmanuels, "are you pregnant?". Dwayne's "what happened to the salads?". There are so many damn comments. I want to show my family that I can do it again. I can take it farther this time. In order to succeed in this. I need to start eating healthy again. This one is going to take a little bit of time. For now, I'll just train myself to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm satisfied, drink when I'm thirsty, and what not. I didn't have money for groceries this week, so I can't buy any food. Groceries are important. And I need to see them as that. They're always the first thing that I cut off my list, if I don't have enough money. On August 4th, I will make sure to make the money to put groceries, and keep groceries on my list. I need to stop going out to eat. I do it almost everyday. I almost don't remember how good I felt when I was taking the time to work out, and eat healthy. I'm feeling so tired and lazy now. I just basically work and sleep. I want to feel energized, and not so damn sluggish all the time. I almost feel like CC is holding me back quite a bit. So, now I'm just going to say fuck her, and do it on my own.